Testimony

First and foremost, let me finally say: Jesus is Lord. And unless something terrible happens, in a few minutes I intend to be baptized into his death in the hope that just as God raised Jesus from the dead, I too may be raised into newness of life.

For the sake of time I’ve had to keep this relatively brief but feel free to talk to me afterwards for the spicy details. I invite you to listen to what God has done for me.

Believe it or not, I used to be a Christian. I was like you, sitting in those seats.

I was a worship leader for many years. I attended small groups, committees, Bible studies, prayer meetings, you name it. I went on missions trips. I had spiritual gifts. I raised my hands in worship just like you. I even helped plant a church on not one but two college campuses. I told God, “I’ll go anywhere, do anything for you!” Let’s be honest, I was insufferable and obnoxious.

But I experienced suffering and seemingly innocent compromises became serious sins. I still remember the night when I fell apart. I wept into my pillow and cried out to God, “Stop hurting me and the people I love!” But the realization that followed was crystal clear: “Rescue isn’t coming.”

So I renounced the faith and took matters into my own hands.

The next decade and a half was a blur of doing whatever I wanted. I had so much fun and I engaged in some wildly unwholesome activities.

But it got old. And then exhausting. And then so depressing that I despaired for my life.

My existence became paradoxical. I was free but a prisoner to anxiety. I denied myself nothing but felt no satisfaction. I was ambitious but hopeless. I embraced absurdism but craved meaning. As a secular humanist I raged against an indifferent God but ironically I hated people- especially Christians. Because once I was just like you and I expected God to take care of me. I betrayed God because he betrayed me first.

I think one of the worst parts was knowing that after my miserable life is over I still had Hell to look forward to. At best, I’d quietly slip into non-existence. Either way this life would be the closest I would get to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Eventually, I was able to reconcile some of my more philosophical objections but I found that at the heart of me was a stubborn rebellion. Because submission requires faith. Despite evidence of God’s grace and my mounting misdeeds, I refused to bend the knee. It was only a matter of time before a series of events brought me to my knees, once again.

Laden with guilt and full of fears, I came to the bargaining table and asked God for a sign. I did so carefully and with purpose so that there could be no doubt. To my surprise, God obliged. Experiencing something like that firsthand was unbelievable. I knew then that there was a Living God and what’s more, he cared about me.

I’m well aware of the things I’ve done and the punishment I definitely deserve. What I didn’t expect was for a just and vengeful God to be kind. I should be the one to be crucified for my sins. Jesus did nothing wrong. But God demonstrated his love, in that while I hated him, Jesus still died for me.

I’ve hurt a lot of people in irreversible, cruel, and intimate ways. There are some who despise me and rightfully so. They might even be in this room. But all I see now are my friends who have stood by me, forgiven me, and loved me through all this time. They carried me to Jesus when I couldn’t go to him myself. Thank you.

I have no guarantees and I don’t know the future. But this I believe: That my God is merciful, gracious, and abounding in steadfast love. He is mighty to save.

Even someone like me.